Why Does Love Always Feel Like A Battlefield?

(I love how Calvin Harris – I Need Your Love ft. Ellie Goulding comes on as I type this.)

Love.

One of the very few things in my life that brings out the cowardice in me. I would rather deal with a dragon than tell the man I have grown to care for how I feel. I’ll deal with the spiders in Arachnophobia before I tell him.

The reason being, I wasn’t taught much in the area of romance. Only what I saw in Disney movies, but everybody knows that aren’t all that accurate. And Maker knows Twilight is a horrible romance act to follow. Do. Not. Imitate. Ever.

The only emotions I have ever effectively expressed are those of anger, sadness, happiness, disgust, excitement, pain, and maybe even some stress. But I was never one to express love or concern. My anger and concern are sometimes confused. So are concern and pain. If I ever showed just concern, I don’t remember it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I feel love. It’s just the “romancing” part of the process I take issue with. In fact, it scares me to even try. Even when I really care for the guy. I give off small, subtle hints, but I don’t think I’m good at those either, especially since they are part of my personality to begin with. You don’t actually see love and affection until the romance portion is complete and the dating has commenced.

I tend to remember the smallest of details about the people I care the most about.

Example? Let me tell you a bit about my current love interest.

We met on October 22, 2011. His birthday is December 13, 1990. His favorite animal is the wolf, which I painted a picture of for his birthday, and his favorite color is purple. Last we spoke, he said he wanted a government job, but he didn’t want to be a part of the military. He wants to be an FBI Agent, but he has to get his Bachelor’s degree first. One of their (stupid) requirements. He loves Johnny Cash and Morgan Freeman. He calls security guards “rent-a-cops;” seeing as he is a cop, I guess he can talk all he wants. He also plays Skyrim, what appears to be his favorite video game, and Magic! The Gathering. He owns a red truck. He likes beer. And he is also an artist. And he sings.

See what I mean? Details.

But I do that with my friends, too. I just don’t remember as much (no offense to them). The closer I feel to the person, the more I remember. What interests me the most, though, are our similarities:

We are very close in age. He is only one much and fourteen days older than I am. We have the same favorite animal and color. I was trying to get into the military earlier this year (a government job) until I broke my finger. I’m not as interested in Johnny Cash as he is, but I find him interesting. I, too, love Morgan freeman, and I didn’t think of security guards as “rent-a-cops” until it was brought up. Now I think it’s funny. I’ve played Skyrim, but not enough to understand his fascination. I’ve played Magic and I like it a lot, just not enough to make my own deck. I don’t own a truck, but I like them. I’ve never had beer, so I can’t comment. And I, too, am an artist. I draw, paint, and do graphic design. And I sing.

Kinda scary our similarities. I think we were twins or clones of each other in a past life. Or two. Or three.

And I haven’t even touched on his personality yet. To me, personality is the most important thing. We have some similarities there, too. We both like to help others; look at what he’s doing and look at what I’m doing with my blog. He’s strong willed, confident, he cares about others, and he has his funny moments. He gets really into whatever he does, too.

The only downside I have found so far is he likes Skyrim more than Dragon Age.

I’ll just have to deal with it. Have to take the good and the bad. Can’t pick and choose…

But it’s worth it to be able to look into his eyes and hold him in my arms. His eyes are beautiful. And the last time we embraced, (it was to say goodbye, we were heading home) I didn’t want to let go. He fit perfectly. I held onto him a little longer than what would be described as a “normal” hug once. If he noticed, he didn’t let on. If he cared for me at one point, he never let it show. If he did, I COMPLETELY missed it. Like I said, I suck at romance…

But he is what I think about when I get up in the morning.

It wasn’t always that way, though. I was stupid and tried to bury my feelings for him. I convinced myself we never had a chance and that it wouldn’t work since it would have been a long distance relationship after I graduated from college. I live four hours away from him. How would that work?

Convincing myself of that worked for a while. I buried my feelings enough to fall for someone else. That is, until he stabbed me in the back along with three of my best friends. The sad thing is, that relationship would have worked even with the long distance. Now, I can never trust him again.

Then I began to feel empty.

Then the “Special Agent” got a Facebook. And I saw his face. His eyes. And everything flooded back. The dam broke. The hurricane destroyed my steel walls. The cowardice returned. And I felt a new emotion; loneliness.

I spent my entire life pretty much alone. I had friends, but I wasn’t dependent upon them for survival. I knew, and still know, how to have fun on my own. Like I said in my Get To Know Titans Monria! page, I  love to write. So, loneliness is something new for me. I still don’t know how to handle it.

So I decided to blog about it. Maybe getting it all out somehow will make me feel a little better.

It didn’t…

Any relationship advice you can give?